Tag Archives: personal

Friendships and the future

January has been interesting so far. Not much has happened exactly, but there’s been a lot of talking.

For instance in Sociology we were doing some Feminism and I casually said that I don’t think I want to get married and that seemed to be shocking. Part of me thinks marriage is just a piece of paper and the other thinks it’s more commitment than I’d ever be ready for. The average cost of a wedding is just over £20,000 but I’d definitely have a low-key one if I was going to have one. My friend reminded me that I could wear a suit if I wanted (I feel horrible in dresses and skirts).

I’ve had some ups and downs in my one of my friendships but we’re close again thankfully. I haven’t known him that long but he offered to take me out for my 18th birthday which I’m looking forward to.

I got invited to go to celebrate Chinese New Year (28th January) with some friends but I don’t think I’ll go because I’m socially awkward.

L’s birthday was two weeks ago and I didn’t have time to get a present so I got her a bath bomb from Lush last week. And I bet £5 that I won’t get any A* grades for my A-levels. Hopefully I’m wrong but it’s not long until my exams.

I treated myself to Firewatch – it was on Steam for £9 that day and it looked beautiful in the trailer so I thought why not?

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Ollie had his first experience of snow.

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All my friends seem to have replied to their uni offers, so I’ve made my firm and insurance choices now too. I did better than I thought I would in my mocks considering I hadn’t really revised – approximately one A and two B’s. I can now just focus on studying hard…

I say as I spent last weekend drawing instead of making revision notes:

Clue: “When I close my eyes it’s like a dark paradise”

Clue: “You were red and you liked me ’cause I was blue. You touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky. And you decided purple just wasn’t for you.”

I did an experimental watercolour background then outlined in 4B pencil before finishing in biro.

Q: Can you recognise who these portraits are of? 🙂

Sadly I haven’t improved my skills much since I dropped the subject after secondary school.

I brought Cards Against Humanity into college earlier this week and 11 people in total ended up playing so it took  a while! It was fun though, I think I came 2nd with 4 black cards and M came 1st with 7 black cards. Now you can tell who I really am :’)img_4981

I traded belated Christmas presents with M and unlike him I didn’t scoff the lot in the first 12 hours but I can confirm the Twirl Bites are gone now.img_4970 

Notes: featured image mine, above photos taken on my phone camera

(A: Lana Del Rey and Halsey)

I’m excited for 2017 except the part about Brexit and Trump/Pence. That’s scary.

It’s quite worrying that since Trump has been sworn in, pages such as civil rights, climate change, healthcare, immigration and LGBT rights have disappeared from the White House website ( https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/jan/20/white-house-website-trump-policy-agenda).

On the bright side, it was amazing to see how many took part in the Women’s marches. We have to fight back. These are some photos I saw on Twitter/Snapchat which seemed quite fitting:

It’s not fair that a bunch of old white men get to decide what women can and can’t do. No uterus, no opinion.

I’m still struggling to be inspired for poems at the moment and my college workload is increasing so I might not post next week.

Any words of motivation to get work done would be really appreciated. 🙂

Song: Angels Will Rise by Twisted Jukebox (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zAspzNfHCs)

Gong xi fa cai

Is Chinese Mandarin for “Wishing you a prosperous year” according to Google.

This isn’t a random language I picked for my belated New Year post though, I’m actually Chinese born but grew up in Britain and never learned Chinese which surprises most people. I would love to speak multiple languages, alas I don’t have the aptitude for it. (What languages can you speak?)

I waited to get my hair cut and dip dyed before writing this so I could share photos…

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I didn’t take very comparable photos but yeah… My hair is naturally straight and black and it’s hard to see the colour under bad lighting. The hairdresser is really cool and helped me pick the brown and persuaded me to let him layer my hair then curl it. (I’m sad that the curls will be gone by Monday which is when people would see it.)

In fact he thought there was a mistake when he saw what I was booked for since I usually have just a straight trim, no layering or colouring :’) I know a lot of people who dye their hair and it’s a new year though, so I thought I’d go for it. I considered colours like electric blue, dark green and red but thought I’d play it safe since it’s the first time I’ve dyed my hair. Do you dye your hair? 🙂

Now I’m gonna rewind a bit, back to the 24th of December 2016.

’twas the night before Christmas…I realised the Christmas card I bought was not a Christmas card. Here is how I rectified that:

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I mean, if you see snow you’re probably gonna assume it’s about Christmas right?

This Christmas was quiet. The novelty has worn off for me. And I was still feeling rough but now I think I’ve recovered (fingers crossed). It’s the one day I try really hard to spend more time with my family instead of on my phone though. Just played Cluedo among other boardgames during the afternoon – a great game for the family, not – which was enjoyable.

A couple of days later, I used my Christmas money to buy Professor Layton and the Miracle Mask – I’m a fan of that series and I play them with my dad (he does the puzzles I can’t solve). I’m enjoying it! Although 3D never really adds to games in my opinion, so I have that turned off. I’ve also been enjoying Pokémon Moon, much better than Pokémon Black/White, Black 2/White 2 or X/Y in my opinion. Refreshing. But nothing in my eyes will ever beat Platinum.img_4335

Then one of my older brothers visited and gave me a chocolate wreath and two beautiful notepads and a pen (the chocolate disappeared very quickly).img_4276

My parents and I (is that correct grammar?) watched the new episode of Sherlock. It was entertaining but I don’t think it made sense that Mary had the time to move Sherlock out the way of the bullet – if that’s possible couldn’t he just move himself..?

We also watched the new episodes of the latest series of Father Brown which HAVE impressed me, although I’ll miss Lady Felicia. I like Bunty’s character too, it’s refreshing. Does anyone here happen to watch Father Brown? I’m really into mystery/police/detective shows…

I have also been binging YouTube videos lately. Mostly of gaming or Cards Against Humanity which cracks me up every time. I was re-watching Until Dawn gameplay until about midnight and then I think I had a nightmare within a nightmare when I fell asleep so I don’t think it wasn’t a good idea!

College is back to normal next week. I only had to be in for one and a half days for the start of term for college this week. :3 If I manage to get a C in all my mocks I’ll be surprised but over the moon. If I got higher than that on my English I’d be amazed because I only did half an hour of revision in the morning on the day (shh). However, people who did the mocks before us did give us hints for Geography and English.

My mum took me for KFC as a treat after to celebrate finishing my mocks which was nice. We browsed some shops but I didn’t buy anything and just ended up making the most of the mirrors in the shops. Docs are love, docs are life.

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May 2017 be a better year than 2016. 😛

…Might be difficult considering Trump is the president-elect and Brexit might be in the works but hey-ho.

Notes: featured image not mine, other photos taken on my phone camera

Edit: I just noticed that typo in the second paragraph, I need an editor to edit my editing clearly :’)

Song: Ho Hey by The Lumineers (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvCBSSwgtg4)

 

’tis the season to be ill

Everyone gets ill running up to Christmas, it’s just the tradition, right?

Winter’s like “Hey, long time no see! Here, have a free problem.”

I will admit I’m blessed with a fairly robust immune system though, unlike my friends who are like, always ill. Somehow I don’t tend to catch their colds. And this year I got my first flu jab.

Anyway, ordinary tasks are physically painful at the moment. I hope it clears up soon. It took months for me to feel “normal” again after last time, so I’m really quite stressed…

The doctor even suggested I don’t go into college tomorrow so I’m not gonna argue. :’) It’s actually really frustrating because I never skip days unless I’m actually ill because I hate having the disadvantage of catching up on work on my own.

Well…one time I woke up with a migraine and by midday it was gone but I stayed at home playing Mario Kart wii. Other than that, I don’t think I’ve ever bunked from school/college. If you have, I’d like to hear what excuses you made 😛

And is it just me or does it not feel Christmassy? Should I feel ashamed that my Christmas tree isn’t even up yet?!

I’ve only bought one person a present so far (and that was a pack of dark chocolate Kit Kats) because I’m a tad broke at the moment and I don’t want to make my friends feel obliged to get me something. I honestly just love getting people things.

However, I may not be the best present-chooser since I suck at retaining information about people’s likes and dislikes. (Now I note down those things so that I have an idea for when I go present-hunting.)

I would also just like to say the girl on the table in front of mine in one of my classes  is really cool – she brings an array of teabags with her so she can brew tea in the breaks between double lessons! If that’s not British, I don’t know what is.

I hope you’re having a better week than me. 🙂

Notes: featured image not mine

As I posted this I realised I was meant to post on Tuesday as per usual, so that was handy. This one happened quite organically.

Song: Sex On Fire by Kings of Leon (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RF0HhrwIwp0) – I got back into Kings of Leon after remembering this is one of my friend’s favourite songs

A Good Start to December

This is just another little update, kind of also a haul/favourite things post I suppose.

I shamelessly indulged in a bit of retail therapy when the Black Friday sales came around this year. Doc Martens had selected items with 30% discounts! So I got these dark grey rigal shoes:img_3655Fantastic Beasts has come out – I haven’t seen it yet but I was hoping to go with the girl I want to get to know. Then I found out she’s already seen it. DUN DUN DUN. I’m mulling over whether to give her the Christmas card I made. She said hello to me today and oh my god that makes me feel warm and happy. I love how certain people just make your day.

Some people have got their Christmas trees up already. On the topic of Christmas, I wore my penguin jumper to college this week:img_3654

And today I made some Christmas cards. I enjoy making or receiving personal/hand-crafted cards, packaging or presents so I definitely recommend giving it a go!

What I did:

  • Cut out designs from old Christmas cards and used pritt stick to stick them on an A5 piece of folded paper.
  • Picked the Death Note anime font (pictured below – http://www.fontspace.com/dieter-steffmann/cloister-black) and wrote “Happy Xmas”. death-note-font-alphabet-2
  •  Printed out pictures (or drew) things the that my friends like and added jokes/memes.
  • On some of the cards I made a simple pop-up in the card and stuck a picture of their favourite character or celebrity with a Christmas hat on. img_3663

I’ve also been invited to party but now I have Pokémon Moon…does anyone really need to interact with other humans? I may or may not have played 10 hours on Saturday…

I chose a boy avatar and named myself after a meme for once. Whaddya think of my modern quiff?

img_3658This was my party, I have been going with a fictional character theme – Lady Narborough, Dorian Gray and Alan Campbell. I’m half way through the novel at the moment. If anyone here has picked up the game, which starter did you pick and why?

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Rizzoli and Isles season 6 DVD finally arrived and I’ve been getting back into that show. It’s probably one of my favourites because it’s got the mystery aspect, the chemistry between the two main characters, it’s rampant with comedy – it’s a great pick-me-up. The theme tune is enough to make me smile.img_3661And it’s really bad of me, but I’ve had a double chocolate muffin/a cookie from the college canteen for breakfast on three occasions in the past two weeks.

Lastly, although it slightly restores my faith in humanity, the fact that strangers at college ask me if I’m okay has led me to the conclusion that I have Resting Depressed Face rather than Resting Bitch Face. Does anyone else experience this?

Notes: featured image not mine

Song: I’m Shipping Up To Boston by Dropkick Murphys (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7x5xWwHLj_k) – similar to Rizzoli and Isles theme song

 

Dissolved

Sometimes I like it empty:

isolation can tempt me

as anxiety averts me from a congested room

and being tired tends to make social interaction my tomb.

 

Or I like to be around my friends

(who I see rarely on weekends,

though they do make me smile)

or walk unfamiliar crowds once in a while

where I can go unnoticed because they

don’t know me and when I go away

they won’t remember me

so I don’t care – I feel free.

 

I hate feeling eyes on me

athough I’ve found music is key,

and on my own, time is of no concern

but a room full of people will make my stomach churn

so before leaving, I scan

for the easiest escape route as an

unwanted encounter is the last thing I need.

 

Meanwhile I must fight the rising nerves, I

must keep my breathing under control, say goodbye

which when I do, no one hears

but at least the fresh air nears.

 

– Nix

Notes: featured image not mine – credit: Ink by Esad Hajdarevic (https://www.flickr.com/photos/heidarewitsch/) (source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/heidarewitsch/4660832612) licensed under CC BY 2.0

I know the rhyme scheme makes the poem disjointed but I’m only a fledgling poet…

It’s so weird posting on Tuesdays now, I’m out of habit. Did two tests in class today, only revised for the subject which I want to do at uni though…Got a call from one of the universities I put as a choice on my UCAS form which I’ve sent off now but it was a complete anti-climax as they were just asking if I wanted to come to another open day but I’ve already made my mind up! Awkward. Yesterday I managed to cut my elbow on a pillow. The zip. My scars have the lamest stories behind them, seriously. Just think of me next time you feel you’ve done something idiotically clumsy 😛 I also went on a bike ride last weekend for the first time in over a year but I’m not sure if it’ll ever be the same, which makes me sad (I hate running).

I added some links to my previous post of things you could do that might help, I’ll put them here too:

Song: Stay In My Memory by Bim 

Coming out this summer: me

So you’ve probably guessed due to the title – I came out today (to my parents).

I like writing about things that matter to me, like most people like writing and reading stuff that matters to them. And that’s enough reason for this post to exist. If you want to talk, the door is always open 🙂 Hope this post means something to someone.

5 things I’ve learned are:

  • There is never a “perfect time” to come out (if you want to) and it’s never a one time thing
  • IT’S OKAY TO BE GAY or whatever, unapologetically
  • Your past experiences don’t define your sexuality/gender identity
  • Sexuality/gender identity can fluctuate and there is a spectrum; you don’t have to put yourself in the box that is labels
  • It’s not a choice – why would you choose to be a target of prejudice and discrimination?

 

Hearing other people’s experiences and thoughts on LGBTQ+ has been really reassuring. And I feel like people like me sometimes gravitate towards each other coincidentally somehow. It’s even easier with the internet existing, it’s there for when you don’t feel like you can talk to people you know in real life.

Everyone figures themselves or at different rates. I’m stunned by individuals who knew themselves really young, I sort of wish I did too. That, or just be obliviously straight. Sexuality seems like a taboo even in modern British education. I’m still not 100% sure of what category I fall into but I’m 100% sure that that category is not the straight one.

Around Janurary 2015 was when I was seriously thinking “hey, maybe I’m not a heterosexual.” One person had asked if I was bisexual and one person called me a lesbian out of spite leading up to this but I had sort of dismissed both. I hate lying so to the former, I simply said “I don’t know, I’m too young to know!” because I was so caught off guard and flustered over their random question.

That year I was busy preparing for my GCSEs and long story short, the issue of my possible sexuality caused me a great deal of extra anxiety and stress.

By the end of my exams I was pretty sure. I came out to that friend via text on the 21st June, not long before prom which was the first time I felt like I was being me. Even though I wore a dress. I hate wearing those.

She gave me the confidence to come out to my guy best friend one or two days later. I was more worried that time because sometimes guys fetishize girls who like girls. But he was also amazing and dorky. And recommended gay icons to me.

It was months later until I came it to anybody else. Most people are judgmental as heck in school, but college has been pretty neat. I haven’t had any negative reactions yet, thankfully. The first people I came out to there was kind of by accident. My friend and her friend joined me at the table I was at. Somehow the conversation steered to boys. Then I ended up getting asked “are you gay?” then I blushed profusely after shrugging. Her friend was awesome though because she understands that it’s not a comfortable topic. It’s funny because I thought my friend would assume it without asking because on the field trip we went on, where she asked what type of guys I like, I answered “none” (half jokingly).

I’ve only come out to two other friends since. I don’t want to be potentially treated differently.

I still wasn’t ready to declare myself to my parents though.

From the beginning of this year probably, I have planned to come out during the summer holidays because that gave my parents the most time to adjust before I resumed college. And it means it’s only a year since I first came out – I felt guilty about not telling them even though sexuality shouldn’t be a big deal.

But finally, today, as I caught up on some chapters of a queer fanfiction, I was inspired and motivated to come out. Fiction gave me the push I needed. My logic was this: if that character can come out to their deeply religious and openly homophobic mother and then be okay, then so can I. My parents can’t be that bad.

So it’s the 8th September 2016, here I am. I went to my mum’s room, said I wanted to talk. Sat down on her bed. Said “I’m attracted to girls”. Then I cried. I was scared because she repeated it which made it sound like she was going to reject me. But she was just a bit unsure she had heard right.

Today (technically yesterday now it’s past midnight) I learned that I have a gay brother who the entire family knew about apart from me and that my parents love me no matter what. Also that she had thought about it since I get on well with guys and never seemed to have a crush on any.

I mentioned that I had gauged their possible reactions by bringing up the legalisation of gay marriage, etc.

My dad was funny because he joked about not having to be as worried about me and that it wouldn’t stop him from making dad jokes.

It’s a huge weight off my shoulders and I’m so happy it’s all alright. I know I’m very lucky to have accepting parents and hope other people get the love and acceptance they deserve. After all, love is love.

Notes: Featured image is not mine.

Song: Same Love by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis ft. Mary Lambert (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0) because obviously it fits this post perfectly and I love it.