Forbidden

Unexpectedly,

you seemed to fit perfectly against me

so it took a little strength for me

not to wrap my arms around your waist

as if you were mine.

 

– Nix

Notes: featured image not mine

This is probably either my first or second most cheesy poem to date, but I like the idea…Sorry it’s short.

I noticed my Am I Imagining it? poem gained a lot of attention (well, it’s my most popular post), so I’ve got more romantic poems lined up. Plus I enjoy writing those kind.

With regards to uni, I’ve received 4/5 of my choices, including a conditional offer for my first choice! I’m still nervous about whether I’m making the right choices but at the same time I’m excited. At least unfathomably excited to move out of this flat because it is so dire. I’m not even exaggerating, my mum estimates we’ve lost £2000-3000 worth of belongings to mould, mostly books and framed pictures. 

And I’ve never been nervous about failing to achieve B grades before but now I am just because it’s what I need to get in… 

Also do other people’s mothers tell them that the friendships that last are the ones you make at uni? because mine did. Pressure much… :’)

Song: Ain’t Nobody’s Problem by The Lumineers (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-TXKD2PmWQ) – it’s funny how it’s upbeat while the lyrics tell a different story.

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Panic! At The Disco concert

I arrived home at 2:40am…(the car battery died.) The concert actually finished around 10:30pm, Brendon Urie was amazing, obviously. I think he’s now my favourite male singer. He did a backflip at least once, I managed to just miss it. I just loved the overall experience rather than any specific point of the day. My friend and I queued for 6 hours and basically had been standing for 12 hours by the end of the night but it was worth it – we were about the fourth row from the front of the stage. I put together a few of many videos I took and posted them here: https://youtu.be/c-5W3_ySe2w

I was looking forward to wearing a nice outfit but of course it was predicted to rain, so brought a raincoat. I had my docs on which by the end of the night I was very thankful for as the rain was persistent.

Fans and staff were generally pretty friendly and kind, we got to listen to people singing songs (mostly P!ATD ones) such as Miss Jackson which was entertaining. There were a couple of LGBTQ+ flags around and that was a cool surprise. We were quite jealous of those in the queues with sleeping bags or rugs as it was really cold. To occupy the rest of our time, we just caught up with each other and attempted to play a few verbal games that I researched prior to the day in case of awkward silence. I also noticed a girl who kind of reminds me of Emma from Blue Is the Warmest Colour.

We were allowed into the concert hall at about 6:30pm but it wasn’t until 8pm that the supporting act came on (and we weren’t told who they were but they were good – edit: it was Tigertown) and I couldn’t stop staring at the drummer’s biceps…

In the meantime, there was one random balloon being batted about and then the balloons multiplied and there also seemed to be some blown-up condoms added to the mix, so some of us were terrified every time it got close. Definitely a memorable first concert.

And then P!ATD came on. The stage effects were awesome. A fan made a sign with a meme but with Brendon’s face on it and he saw it and said “oh shit waddup” which I caught on video! P!ATD played not only songs from Death of a Bachelor but also older albums, I was so happy. Most of my favourite songs are the older ones like The Ballad of Mona Lisa, I Write Sins Not Tragedies, Girls/Girls/Boys. Victorious was the last song played I think, and the confetti came out. Somehow I managed to leave a trail of confetti throughout London and I still have red glitter in my hair but at least I look fabulous now.

It took ages to get out of the hall and I paid £5 for two Brendon Urie posters because  we were in a rush and I couldn’t be bothered to find the change for just one poster, and well, the caption says it all. img_2996

I’m glad I tried something new and shoutout to my friend who gave me the spare ticket for free, you’re the real MVP.

img_2876img_2874img_2945img_2953

Notes: featured image and other photos taken by me

Dissolved

Sometimes I like it empty:

isolation can tempt me

as anxiety averts me from a congested room

and being tired tends to make social interaction my tomb.

 

Or I like to be around my friends

(who I see rarely on weekends,

though they do make me smile)

or walk unfamiliar crowds once in a while

where I can go unnoticed because they

don’t know me and when I go away

they won’t remember me

so I don’t care – I feel free.

 

I hate feeling eyes on me

athough I’ve found music is key,

and on my own, time is of no concern

but a room full of people will make my stomach churn

so before leaving, I scan

for the easiest escape route as an

unwanted encounter is the last thing I need.

 

Meanwhile I must fight the rising nerves, I

must keep my breathing under control, say goodbye

which when I do, no one hears

but at least the fresh air nears.

 

– Nix

Notes: featured image not mine – credit: Ink by Esad Hajdarevic (https://www.flickr.com/photos/heidarewitsch/) (source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/heidarewitsch/4660832612) licensed under CC BY 2.0

I know the rhyme scheme makes the poem disjointed but I’m only a fledgling poet…

It’s so weird posting on Tuesdays now, I’m out of habit. Did two tests in class today, only revised for the subject which I want to do at uni though…Got a call from one of the universities I put as a choice on my UCAS form which I’ve sent off now but it was a complete anti-climax as they were just asking if I wanted to come to another open day but I’ve already made my mind up! Awkward. Yesterday I managed to cut my elbow on a pillow. The zip. My scars have the lamest stories behind them, seriously. Just think of me next time you feel you’ve done something idiotically clumsy 😛 I also went on a bike ride last weekend for the first time in over a year but I’m not sure if it’ll ever be the same, which makes me sad (I hate running).

I added some links to my previous post of things you could do that might help, I’ll put them here too:

Song: Stay In My Memory by Bim 

Trump is not the only reason for concern

I’m going to try to not get too deeply political because A) I’m not American B) this is not a politics blog but I felt compelled to share my thoughts and opinions on the frightening outcome of the US Election – America is one of the most influential governments in the world so obviously it’s going to influence everyone else in some way.

59 million Americans voted for him. Let that just sink in.

Just imagine how many racists, misogynists and homophobes/transphobes have now been emboldened. I thought humanity was supposed to be advancing, not going back in time and electing leaders that are getting compared to Adolf Hitler. And no, neither candidates were ideal but surely the beliefs/actions of this ‘businessman’ are more worrying than some deleted emails of a well-qualified woman in politics?

I can’t believe that people are saying “who you vote for doesn’t make you a shitty person” because if they have voted for him, they are literally supporting someone who is openly intolerant of anyone who isn’t a straight white man so it doesn’t take much to work out what his policies would be like. And many privileged people are saying Hilary supporters are being “dramatic” and “sore-losers” but they aren’t the ones faced with the implications that their lives are worthless. The minorities and women of America are terrified. The difference in the reactions of these people is shocking:

Hilary Clinton actually won the popular vote but lost the electoral vote so it seems that the system elected Donald Trump.

It wasn’t even a ‘working class revolt’, scarily, Trump’s campaign seemed to resonate with many middle class voters, notably young white men. Instead of radicalization of Muslims why don’t we ever talk about the radicalization of white men online?

Luckily there is some time before Trump actually becomes President but that’s not very reassuring – there’s already reports of increasing hate crime and so far at least 8 trans youth have committed suicide since Trump’s win.

How can we trust someone who incites violence with nuclear codes?

Furthermore, Trumps’ running mate advocated gay conversion therapy – despicable. Why people care about who other people love will always be beyond my comprehension. Pence and Trump are probably going to try and defund Planned Parenthood so if you want to support Planned Parenthood, here is the link: https://secure.ppaction.org/site/Donation2;jsessionid=C73B3E93D5165D9BA94D4A93E76E81CC.app20108b?df_id=23692&23692.donation=form1&s_subsrc=4NALz1705S1N1V&s_src=ElectionResults_1116_News_c4_pptw

You only have to look at the data to see a trend that the younger the age group, the higher the proportion who voted for Clinton, so if young people got a vote perhaps there would have been a different outcome. I agree that it’s unfair that people aged 65+ are voting for the futures of a completely different generation, one that overall seems to be much more accepting and loving.demographic-trumpp

I just hope that everyone can keep safe and knows that they matter and aren’t alone. We mustn’t give up. Love trumps hate.

 

Articles:

Rise in hate crime/discrimination:

Notes: sources (that I could find) for photos:

Reading Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off

Ayy, did anyone get that Panic! At The Disco reference? The point is, a friend offered her spare P!ATD concert ticket as none of her other friends seem to want to go. She’s so sweet, she gave it to me for free too. This will be my first concert so I’m pretty nervous but also pumped. Is anyone else going to the one on the 20th November/ a fan?

So the reading part of the title of this blog is just because I’ve started reading The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. For fun. I’ve reached chapter 7 from reading it during my free periods at college partly so that it doesn’t look like I’m twiddling my thumbs. I’m not finding it very thrilling at the moment but from what I’ve heard, things will get interesting. Hopefully I can write a review if I ever finish any of the books I start…img_2139

Funnily enough, I hit it off with a friend’s friend last Friday and today I told him a joke:

“Why did the chicken cross the road? Because she wanted to say hello from the other side.”

Needless to say, eyes rolled. Although I told it to my classmate too and she laughed. Good-natured laughter especially when I cause it, is one of my favourite moments. As are the silly things our Ollie does (he tried to bite the ice scraper today but it was on the other side of a window). It was a video clip but I have a free account so WordPress wouldn’t let me post it, so here is a screenshot:img_2142

Today happens to be not only the voting day for the US 2016 election but my friend’s birthday. Great present :’) But in all seriousness, I hope America’s next President is not going to be one who is an openly xenophobic, homophobic, misogynistic, disablist tyrant who thinks tax evasion is smart and would date his daughter if she wasn’t his daughter.

Anyway, on Sunday I went to see The Accountant (maybe I was swayed by the fact Anna Kendrick is in it) but it was actually really good. Check it out! We missed the first showing of the day because of traffic which was exacerbated by the London to Brighton Veteran Car Run. While we were stuck I saw a vintage looking convertible which I thought looked quite suave (can I even use that word in this context? Oh well).img_2045

I also wore a hoodie to college for the first time in months. That’s when you know it’s definitely autumn/winter which are probably my favourite seasons because I love feeling snug and cuddly. Although I will wait until December at least until I start wearing my Christmas pudding beanie – I’m not that uncivilised. img_2138

Notes: featured image not mine but other photos in this post are

Since the problems with posting I have stopped scheduling posts in case they go wrong and I haven’t had much time to write more creative posts, sorry readers.

Song: Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! At The Disco (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AZxUtZ2ZgI)

Inspiration is rude

because it doesn’t knock,

Inspiration makes a mess of my desk,

doesn’t let me sleep when I want to,

plays hide and seek when I’m searching for it,

– don’t even get me started on returning calls –

it takes the mick by offering ideas I can’t use,

and urges me to write but suddenly disappears half way through.

 

Inspiration lets itself in at the most inconvenient times

and I would change the lock

but then I may never see it again…

 

Although Inspiration’s visits are erratic, it is always there when I don’t need it.

 

– Nix

Notes: featured image not mine

Not totally satisfied with this poem but I completely forgot to post on Tuesday as I posted on Monday, oops. Here is something that will hopefully make up for the wait.

Also I’ve had two quite social days in a row so I’m feeling pretty happy. Today I came out to N unintentionally since we were talking about my dating life or lack thereof and I was being vague (using ‘they’ pronouns instead of ‘he’ or ‘she’). So then she asked whether they are a boy or a girl to which I then answered in small voice because I was embarrassed and nervous – bear in mind that we were in a lesson – but it turns out that she’s really chill and supportive which is a lovely feeling.

Song: Itch by Nothing But Thieves (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORQX4QQwmII)- my friend M introduced me to this band and I instantly fell in love. :’) music recommendations are always welcome!

Someone like me

On a night like this

how do I know better?

Lilac liquid has passed my lips,

staining my vest

and hailing a veil of mist,

all anxieties evaporated.

 

Lights cast a yellow haze

and shitty music plays,

blaring in my ears though

people far gone charging past

emitting squeals no one can miss.

 

Glistening bodies moving to the beat,

fires lit, alcohol thrown back

and sexy cop hat

passed around numerous heads.

 

And all that matters to me

is the attention he’s giving me:

my body craves company

(it’s tempting, it really is

what’s to stop me from leaning in;

a kiss is a kiss)

but my mind does too –

cool rush of air flowing in from outside this October night

shakes me awake.

 

“He’s a really nice guy”

I think so too…

maybe in another universe, my answer would be ‘yes’-

in this one though,

residual regret

is all I’d be left with

once the fog lifts.

 

– Nix

Notes: featured image not mine

I know it’s late now but I wrote this today remembering it is the 31st and in the spirit of Halloween, I told a tale of the scariest thing of all: life. This is only the second draft.

I’ll do the party update here since there’s not too much I can say. I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would though – I was basically in charge of the music for most of the time I was there so that was fun. And I tried half a beer (too awful to finish) then a can of dark fruits cider was thrown at me from the garden up to the balcony/deck thing so I tried some. That was surprisingly nice. And I was actually at the party longer than my friend because she got wasted. The overall experience has rather generously given me a bit of inspo.

On the last day of half term I managed to be more productive (college-wise) than I had all half term and it was extremely satisfying to finish by 7pm then have time to brainstorm content without the crushing guilt of “I should be doing my homework”. You’d think I’d try to do that more often but no, unfortunately I often lack motivation.

I got my feedback back for the first drafts my English coursework and let’s just say it was savage and I don’t feel like editing it. It only counts towards 20% of my whole A-level and there’s a total 3250 word limit for the 3 pieces all together and I simply cannot. Usually it’s good that I’m very analytical/meticulous…

Also I don’t appreciate the new seating plan in my Geography lesson, as if I need more things to dislike about it. Okay, moan over.

I hope everyone has a happy Halloween/31st of October 😛

Edit: Some of my posts now actually post successfully the first time but not always, it’s very strange.

Song: FML by K.Flay (Vanic remix) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJ1NYJQnJTI)